There are laws that govern everything.

A watched pot never boils. Toast falls buttered side down.

There is Murphy’s law, though i have renounced my belief in it, because it is used as a blanket excuse and because it is in fact a restatement in layman’s terms of the second law of thermodynamics.

Stand on the edge of a precipice long enough and you will fall. A loose screw gets ever looser. Things crop up and occurences occur.

But there are other rules that one can only formulate through empirical observation. They are the Additional Laws.

a) when entering an unfamiliar restaurant and checking for any of those burning or frying smells that will render your clothes unwearable, said smell will only emanate from the kitchen halfway through your meal, when you can no longer escape.

b) when consulting the schedule for the shuttle train that will take you from Prospect Place to the Franklin Avenue or Botanic Gardens stop, it is irrelevant whether you leave home early or late as it will always go by just as you are approaching the station.

c.1) when shopping for clothes, the last shirt in the size and color you want will have a permanent stain and/or other defect.

c.2) said defect will be located in the center of the shirt.

d) no matter how long you wait or blow on a spoonful of tomato sauce before tasting it, you will scald your tongue in such a way that the enjoyment of the following meal will be greatly diminished.

e) no matter how carefully you turn over in bed, the amount of lower leg you uncover is inversely proportional to the temperature in your bedroom.

f) the laundromat god is equanimous in its exigencies. It will always demand the offering of one single sock. No more, no less.

g) if a bagel is served properly toasted it will contain too much cream cheese.

h) if a bagel is served with the proper amount of creem cheese, they will have omitted to toast it.

i.1) seek not to trim thy sideburns to an equal length. This is vanity and delusion. Anything under a full centimetre difference is acceptable.

i.2) try and you will end up with no sideburns at all.

j) the number of locks of untamable hair that spring up on your head is proportional to the importance of the event you are preparing for.

k) independently of the fullness of the flight, a colicky baby or hyperactive child will be seated directly in front/behind/or next to you.

l) one of your shoes will be laced too tight.

m) the degree of your sneezing fit and/or runny nose will be in inverse proportion to the number of tissues you have with you.

n) no matter how careful and deliberate your movements when going from a standing to a sitting position and vice-versa, your headphone cable will snag on some invisible part of your anatomy or clothing and tear the earbuds from your ears.

o) the proximity at which an attractive member of the opposite sex speaks to you is proportional to the quantity of garlic in your last meal.

and last but not least,

p) if totally alone on an elevator, the pungency of your fart will be proportional to the beauty, sophistication and delicate sense of smell of the people entering on the next floor.

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 11, 2007 at 9:28 am and is filed under life aquatic, yes. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.