four weeks till i board a plane and return to Geneva.

it can’t be a literal return, i am not the same, i will be -must be- different there or it will be like i’d never left, a return as opposed to a move forward.

four weeks is such a short time that i am suddenly panicked, not by all i still wish to do or accomplish, panicked at the end of limbo, this suspended state of flux where all is up in the air, potential, possible, within reach. the fact that my grasp consistently exceeds my reach tells me my one great talent lies in being nowhere. minor accomplishments and minor setbacks.

chassez le naturel, il revient au galop goes the old adage. Fight your natural inclination, it will come charging back.

fine.

the attention span of a four year-old, interested in the chase, but not knowing what to do with the prey once it’s in my grasp.

*****

what i want to understand now is when everything is. today a sudden change in the weather and i find myself thinking of my visit with D in Birmingham, the first time i tasted salt and vinegar chips, the way the air smelled and the color of the light, and it is all right now, except i was nineteen, and it was eleven years ago.

now that i have so successfully taken down the support beams, taken everything apart, it all collapses in on itself, telescoping in random ways, then is now is later. and it all makes sense in a self-referencing way, if not held up to outside indicators of where it -where i- should be.

This entry was posted on Monday, November 19, 2007 at 10:32 pm and is filed under life aquatic, yes. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.